I hate the saying: “Get up, the sun is shining!” What am I supposed to do? Photosynthesis?

Someone from 🇸🇹 has downloaded:

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

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If there was an award for staying at home, I’d win and then send someone else to pick it up for me.

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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

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I feel like an adult spelling bee would humble a lot of us.

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This morning, like every morning, he practiced his quick draw of his finger guns in the bathroom mirror, because you just never know.

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Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the time I use to angry scream.

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Kids be like: “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it.”

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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

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Even on the coldest of days, there’s such peace found in the warm embrace of a hot pizza.

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I wish pets lived longer, and life wasn’t so expensive, and cake didn’t make you fat, and people weren’t twats.