I have re-entered the Band of Brothers rewatch stage of male depression.

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The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

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The only thing I miss all day is my bed.

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“I’m depressed because there’s not enough cheese in this world to satisfy my hunger for it.”

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Being called by your real name in a relationship kinda sounds like a divorce.

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Every time the universe sends me a sign, I’m like, okay, but I think I’ll wait for a signier sign.

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My worst fear is looking out my window at night, and someone looking right at me.

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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.