I miss when The Weeknd was making sex-addict-on-drugs music.

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People thinking you’re dumb is one of the best advantages you can have.

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Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job.

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I was going to cause mischief tonight, but I climbed into my bed instead.

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I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale.

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Getting older just means that you have to start eating all the sad foods.

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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button.

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Balloons are so weird. “Happy birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath.”

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I’m not enjoying this slow-burn apocalypse. I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show.

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I’m sorry I didn’t text you back. I’m really busy watching the The Lord of The Rings in the form of mini clips on TikTok.