I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t.

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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing.

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Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from a movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it.

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I love wearing sunglasses. Am I looking at your face? Am I looking at your ass? No one knows.

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Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car.

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Sometimes, I feel like I need love, but the moment I finish eating, I realize I was just hungry.

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I’ve literally never copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

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Will someone please make me drink some water and limit my screen time?

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Caesar, looking shocked: “Is it bring your knife to work day or something?”