I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

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I don’t like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. I bet I like bananas almost as much as they do.

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Imagine how loud a centipede would be if they wore tiny little flip flops.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has downloaded:

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb.

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I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but I do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so I can hear better.

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Second day without coffee. I can no longer hear out of my left eye.

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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk because half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said.

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Therapy isn’t enough. I need to be electrocuted and get my memory erased.

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I hated rats even before my girlfriend left me for one.

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If you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.

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Nobody could stop me if I wasn’t tired all the time.