I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

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Strangers vomiting their beliefs all over you every day is not good for the soul.

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Today, I’m going to give it my almost.

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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

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Anybody else not stopped farting this evening? Asking for a friend.

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Hello 911? Yes, my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

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In honor of Charles Dickens, I will also be poor this Christmas.

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I accidentally relaxed too much, and now I don’t have enough anxiety to get stuff done.

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Never eat more than you can lift.

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It’s okay to embarrass yourself a little in the pursuit of human connection.

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What is the name of the course in medical school where you learn not to take your patients seriously?