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Commentary:
"If at first you don't succeed, it's only attempted murder… of your goals! 🔪🙅‍♂️ Keep pursuing success with determination, not crime! 💪😂"

attempt, failure, humor, irony, joke, murder, only, success

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

Nike: Just Do It! Me: I don’t want to.

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2 months ago

challenge, humor, i, irony, just, just do it, me, motivation, Nike, personal, personal challenge, procrastination, reluctance, want
At my funeral, sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man.

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2 months ago

afterlife, funeral, humor, i, man, me, observation, relationship, sit, talking
You unfollow me because you are afraid of falling in love with me. I know!

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2 months ago

afraid, confidence, dating, humor, i, know, love, me, media, relationship, social, social media, unfollow
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

0

2 months ago

dog, dogs, exercise, humor, laziness, people, pet, picked, skateboard, teaching, training, vet, walk
Monday has a personal vendetta against my happiness.

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2 months ago

happiness, humor, Monday, mood, personal, sarcasm, struggle, vendetta, work
The real pandemic was when everyone was reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.

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3 days ago

art, book, distraction, everyone, f*ck, giving, humor, pandemic, quarantine, reading, real, satire, self-help, subtle, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

New Funny Quotes

🎲 Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Social Media Stars ⭐

35 shares on TikTok this month:

Once you find humor in any situation, you have nothing to fear.

95 shares on WeChat this month:

Anyone who thinks office jobs are harmless has never cut their finger on paper.

58 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

97 shares on Instagram this month:

I’m getting to the age where it’s rude to pull out a bottle of ibuprofen if I don’t have enough for everyone.

74 shares on WeChat this month:

Today is a wonderful day to leave me alone.

60 shares on LinkedIn this month:

You’re a ghost driving a meat-coated skeleton made from stardust, riding a rock, hurtling through space. Fear nothing.

60 shares on YouTube this month:

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world. Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

64 shares on LinkedIn this month:

If he doesn’t like your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.

25 shares on Facebook this month:

Walking up to any crime scene and whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving.

17 shares on TikTok this month:

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇪 has copied:

I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has shared:

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa, you get a Jason Mimosa.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has copied:

I may join the cicadas this summer and just scream for six weeks straight.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has downloaded:

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has shared:

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has copied:

Do you guys remember when we had to share one desktop computer wіth the whole famіly?

Someone from 🇲🇭 has bookmarked:

If we start dating now, we could be arguing on a road trip by August.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has viewed:

Still waiting for aliens to abduct me, which feels pretty rude considering I’ve been dressed and ready for years.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has copied:

Tupperware is a fun way to store your leftovers until you throw them away.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has viewed:

No one flirts better than a guy who’s not interested in you.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Messenger:

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

Breaking via TikTok:

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Making waves on TikTok:

It’s almost impossible to talk to a girl without flirting with her.

Trending via Slack:

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Trending via Instagram:

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

When the executioner asks me what my final words are, I’m just going to start filibustering.

Making waves on Telegram:

I had too much to think last night.

Going viral on Slack:

“You’re so funny!” Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s only attempted murder.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

Nike: Just Do It! Me: I don’t want to.

At my funeral, sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man.

You unfollow me because you are afraid of falling in love with me. I know!

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

Monday has a personal vendetta against my happiness.

The real pandemic was when everyone was reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨