If I have to look at any more spreadsheets today, you’re gonna have to spread my ashes.

100 shares on Discord this month:

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

34 shares on Messenger this month:

Main difference between me and my jokes is that folks don’t laugh at my jokes.

92 shares on YouTube this month:

No, I don’t comment, I voodoo doll like a real adult.

75 shares on Slack this month:

I spend half the day wondering if it’s too late for coffee and the other half wondering if it’s too early for alcohol.

11 shares on Messenger this month:

Fun fact: a person’s music taste can actually tell their intelligence level.

38 shares on Snapchat this month:

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

89 shares on TikTok this month:

Oh my God, “unc” means uncool. I thought it meant uncle. Like you’re carrying the energy of someone’s weird uncle.

15 shares on Snapchat this month:

You know you’re getting old when you clean the house to the music you used to go out to.

64 shares on Instagram this month:

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

66 shares on Telegram this month:

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while you sleep. Next morning, iPhone: I couldn’t do it, bro. Just didn’t feel right. Vibe was off.