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My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

1 month ago
bank, desk, finance, irony, keep, me, missing, money, pen, pens, safe, security, trust
Some days you have breakfast for dinner and live life on your own terms.

15 hours ago
breakfast, days, dinner, food, freedom, fun, humor, life, lifestyle, live, living, meal, own, terms
Due to personal reasons, I’ll be turning you into a poem.

1 month ago
creativity, due, humor, personal, personal reasons, poem, reasons, transformation, turning, writing
Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much.

1 month ago
ask, day, escape, home, humor, hurt, i, me, much, myself, object, office, pain, same, time, times, too
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick.

1 month ago
cause, even, freddie, freddy, Freddy Krueger, fun, fun loving, guy, horror, humor, krueger, lot, loving, murder, nickname, people, tell
I need to consult the woods about this.

1 month ago
advice, consult, humor, i, nature, need, woods

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Someone from 🇧🇾 has bookmarked:

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer, buddy.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has downloaded:

Seriously? I came out of hibernation for this?

Someone from 🇳🇪 has shared:

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has shared:

Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has shared:

Where do I see myself in 5 years? Here, but fatter.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has copied:

The highlight of my weekends is slipping into something more comfortable and putting my feet up.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has downloaded:

Hello 911? Yes, my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

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Live now on Discord:

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

Seen just now on Telegram:

There are people who have a favourite colour, and there are people whose favourite colour is purple. These are very different things. Purple fans are different creatures.

Seen just now on Slack:

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest.

Seen just now on Discord:

Life can be so beautiful, you just can’t get sober.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here pumping gas until the dollar amount ends with 0.

Freshly posted on Slack:

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful.

Just landed via Facebook:

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

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I’m officially at the age where going out on the weekend just means I’m running errands.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Some days you have breakfast for dinner and live life on your own terms.

Due to personal reasons, I’ll be turning you into a poem.

Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick.

I need to consult the woods about this.

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

I’m going to be real with you. My dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon.

So tired of looking in my wallet and not finding $10,000

Nothing says sexy like a pair of sensible, silky polka dot PJs.

Best friends: they know how crazy you are but still choose to be seen in public with you.

It’s okay to feed your car a curb, as a little treat sometimes.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

No revenge, but I hope you stutter every time you try to dirty talk with someone.

I talk to myself in the same condescending tone, so you’re not special.

Being bi means you say both yay and bruh.

It’s funny how people without pizzas in their hands actually think I’ll answer my door.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

No one is more stressed than someone who has seen their potential and knows they aren’t living up to it.

I haven’t had sex in so long, I forgot how to moan, what if I mess up and bark?

I love how every website has a “Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit.

If cats could text you back, they wouldn’t.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

I couldn’t work at a zoo. I’d have a penguin in my car by the end of the shift.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

Having a sore throat as a giraffe must really suck.

I dunno what I did in a past life but holy crap I’m sorry.

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I’m officially at the age where going out on the weekend just means I’m running errands.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Some days you have breakfast for dinner and live life on your own terms.

Due to personal reasons, I’ll be turning you into a poem.

Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick.

I need to consult the woods about this.

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

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