I’m really glad that light only attracts insects. Imagine wild boars would come knocking at your windows all the time.

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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one-night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

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You don’t scare me, I was married once.

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I was neglecting my root chakra at the time, your honor.

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One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

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At the Pride and Prejudice showing booing whenever Prejudice comes on screen.

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That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and autocorrect decides to join the conversation.

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I assume my soulmate has sold his soul to the devil.