Someone from has bookmarked:

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Someone from has viewed:

The only constant in my life are the accidental screenshots of my lock screen.

Someone from has downloaded:

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes.

Someone from has bookmarked:

Got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, Scotty” a few too many times.

Someone from has downloaded:

You’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house.

Someone from has downloaded:

When exactly does wisdom kick in? I feel like I’m just getting older.

Someone from has bookmarked:

A Monday every week is excessive.

Someone from has downloaded:

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand …”

Someone from has downloaded:

Making a record-breaking number of bad choices today, I’m really proud of myself.

Someone from has viewed:

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower tastes like ribs.