Just because the deodorant says 48 hrs, it does not mean you have to challenge it.

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Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like.

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Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad: “Wait in the truck.”

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To my beloved wife, I leave my circus and my monkeys.

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The class: “You want us to do what?” Super Mario: “Jump around, catch and eat the giant mushroom, bang your head against the crates and, if necessary, crush all the critters. It’sa easy!”

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My cat and I talked it over and no we don’t think that I’m crazy.

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No, I don’t want to read the article first, I want to argue now.

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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower.

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Introducing two cats is tedium. Not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already.

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Getting the house to yourself for a night is basically winning the lottery.

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I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my kids were drawing of me.