Legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them.

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White, black, yellow, brown, Democrat, Republican, man, woman, straight, gay, transgender, Jew, Christian, Muslim, young and old — you will all taste the same to the zombies.

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“Are you single?” No, I’m in a hallucinationship.

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I was having a great time until I remembered that I was ugly.

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“Careful. It’s slippery!” – Everyone, after you’ve already slipped.

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High school crushes were crazy because, why the hell was I running all over school just to catch a glimpse of him.

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Whoops, lost myself for about eight years there.

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Since it’s impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis.

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Yes, I make bad decisions when I’m drunk. But I wouldn’t say that the decisions I make when I’m sober are any better.

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Every single morning, I have to get out of bed and do things, and it’s bullshit.

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I keep my mind active by worrying.