Major cheat code in life: ask for the big, unreasonable thing. The universe meets you at your level of audacity.

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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party. It was a twerk-place injury.

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Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing, because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

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I am half agony, half hope.

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Drinking through a straw is the opposite of snorkeling.

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I’m in my thirties, but I still feel like I am in my twenties; then I hang out with people in their twenties, and I’m like nope, definitely in my thirties.

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Living solo: where pants are optional, and snacks are unlimited.

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Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking.

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Hell, yes, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.