Me, one week before the new year: Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

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Just rolled over for a cuddle.. forgot I’m single… fell off the bed.

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Once you start paying rent, every joke stops being funny.

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It sucks when you have to stand on an escalator for 30 minutes because of a power cut.

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“Are you free tomorrow?” No, tomorrow I’m still expensive.

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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

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The more water you drink, the more bathroom breaks, the less you work. Stay hydrated.

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I don’t care if it’s cliché, I will always enjoy a ‘small town but something messed up is happening’ story.

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Interviewer: Can I get you anything? Me: Yeah, a job!

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My new phone is being delivered by Amazon, which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

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In banana years, I am bread.