My favorite part about health insurance is how your teeth and eyeballs are add-ons.

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The Scream movies were believable in the ’90s, but no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore.

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Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake.

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Some people stay in the past because that’s where they peaked.

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Some things are better left unsaid, but people get drunk and say them anyway.

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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

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At bedtime, I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

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This whole working for a living thing goes on for how long?

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Might mess around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

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Remember when movies felt real, and foreheads could wrinkle.