My husband is trying to convince me that we’re in a situationship. “The situation is that we live in the same house and love each other.”

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Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to get into my shoes.

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I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

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How does world hunger exist when we can fry air?

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It’s amazing, when it’s your birthday you really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries.

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A haunted house, but it’s just you inside your own head.

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Fall in love? I can barely fall asleep.

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I’m at the stage in life where I stay out of arguments. Even if you say 1+1=5, you’re right. Have fun.