My spirit animal is that bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into windows.

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I’m so bored of being bored because being bored is really boring.

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Who is this Rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting?

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Ping me if your boobs glow in the dark.

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Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.

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Village life is when you send two kids out to play and six kids come back hungry.

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If I block you and you email me, you’re getting another chance.

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I leave the blue tick on WhatsApp so that people can see exactly when I wasn’t interested.

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Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

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I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskan.

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It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.