No kids at my wedding. Gonna Uber the flower girl home when she’s done.

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Note to self: No more bitching about ugly furniture with people at IKEA whose home you haven’t been to yet.

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Comments other people make during a movie are annoying. Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

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Nobody flirts better than a girl with zero interest.

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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

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How do you know I’m not just a figment of your imagination?

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I was feeling kinda lonely this morning so I glued a coffee cup to the top of my car so people would wave at me.

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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

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Having a blocked nose really makes you appreciate the finer things in life, like breathing normally.

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Aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

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Boy, are you a piñata? Because I have an overwhelming urge to beat you with a stick.