Nothing prepared me for how much of my adult life would be spent hiding from people I know at the grocery store.

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I get it, laundry, no one is doing me either.

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Super quick question: does anyone know what the point is?

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I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

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Can drunk people actually not control their actions or is it just an excuse to do some crazy stuff?

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I’m so lazy that I get jealous when it’s bedtime in other countries.

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One of my biggest faults is that when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen to what their name is.

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Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive? You’re literally going that way anyway. Just give me a ride.

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Playing dumb for five minutes often saves a lot of work.