Becoming a DJ, but only because I like to impose my will and preferences upon the masses. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Having a job is insane because they give you actual money in exchange for pressing the buttons. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Excited for my husband to get back from his trip, so I can sit him down for a little presentation of all the internet videos I saved for him to watch. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Boyfriends sound cool and all, but unfortunately, I enjoy not talking for days at a time. Posted onMay 29, 2026
WW3 is either gonna happen so fast you sleep through it, or it’s gonna last for the rest of your life. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The biggest difference between my toddler and me is that if I had poop on my butt, that’d be priority #1. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If Britain is going to be invaded, can it at least be by the Romans? We desperately need the roads resurfacing. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It’s unfortunate that scrubbing the floors on your hands and knees is so much more effective than mopping. Posted onMay 29, 2026
There is a special place reserved in hell for website designers who disable cut and paste in password fields. Posted onMay 29, 2026
People who don’t have Twitter are trying to show you stuff you laughed at a month ago. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It’s important to follow your significant other around the grocery store, not helping, and only hovering like the specter of death. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Will probably never be loved, but I have to send emails, so I can’t really think about that right now. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Nothing humbles you faster than rereading something you were proud of yesterday. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It amazes me how many battles in the first two years of the Civil War were decided by which side woke up the earliest. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It’s so cold, I’m using Chrome instead of Firefox to read the news on my phone, because I need the ads to warm up my phone and hands. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Sometimes I shower in the dark and pretend I’m in a rainforest on an alien planet. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I won’t be doing Dry January, because who was there for me during the happy times and the hard times? Not broccoli. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My advice to anyone with a job: be the last one in, the first one out, and do as little as possible while getting maximum pay. Posted onMay 29, 2026
What’s y’all’s favorite burner on your stove? Mine is front left. That’s my boy. That’s my big dawg. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The hardest part of corporate life is pretending to care about things that don’t matter. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Corporate life is watching someone get promoted and suddenly develop a new personality in meetings. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If you break up with the same person enough times, you eventually get married. Never give up. Posted onMay 29, 2026