The hottest part of sex is when I take off my glasses and put them in a safe place. Posted onMay 28, 2026
There’s endless songs out there about love and pain and life, but basically only one about the wheels on the bus. Just goes to show you they nailed it the first try. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Eating Chinese takeout is never as depressing as in the movies. It usually is good. Posted onMay 28, 2026
There is literally no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize splitting a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’ve been so stressed about getting my shit together that I haven’t gotten any of my shit together. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Growing up, there was a Cody in every elementary school class, but as an adult, I haven’t met a Cody in years. Where did they go? Posted onMay 28, 2026
Here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. Some apples are delicious, some taste bad. Sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. You know what’s the same every time? Doritos. Posted onMay 28, 2026
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Lady just asked me what “mansplaining” is. I think it’s a trap. We’ve been staring at each other in silence for half an hour. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Why does everyone force introverts to leave their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut up for a while? Posted onMay 28, 2026
ADHD is when you buy a blender and then make smoothies every day for 2 weeks, and then never make one or even acknowledge your blender ever again. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Professor: Most of you won’t pass this course. Me: Cool, so you’re like, real shitty at your job. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If alcohol was the one that was banned instead of weed, then a lot of people would have had memories of hungry, stoned fathers instead of angry, drunk ones. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’m that person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roommate and tell him I’m coming over, so he’ll clean the apartment. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I could be staring at my hand locking my front door, and I still won’t feel 100% sure my front door was locked. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Millionaires and multi-billion dollar companies be like, “We’re doing our part by asking the poor to donate to the poor.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
Being sexy is just the cherry on top. I’m actually a genius and the sweetest girl ever. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Can’t be sexting when you’re somewhat articulate. You just sound like a vampire. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Being in your 20s is crazy because, why did you stay with someone you were that incompatible with for that long? Posted onMay 28, 2026
Just seen a guy with a Coca-Cola and yellow Lay’s chips. Classic combo, he knows his stuff. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Welcome to your 50s, you now take supplements to help your memory, but you can’t remember if you took them today. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Not to brag, but I drove and found a place I was looking for without turning down my music today. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The worst part about being in your 40s is the 10 years of listening to people say, “Wait till you’re 50.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
If we start flirting now, we could be in matching pajamas on a Christmas card before the holidays. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. I’m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them? Posted onMay 28, 2026
According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 4 days until Christmas. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The way Christmas shopping expects me to have money right now is, honestly, disrespectful. Posted onMay 28, 2026