Phew, I thought the weather was broken because there was this weird yellow thing in the sky. But all’s well, it’s raining again.

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Little kid on the plane to Boston says “do they speak English there?” and his mom says “kinda!”

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My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college. The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

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Funny thing about zombie movies – they never seem to go after the cameraman.

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I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

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They’re called grown-ups because they groan every time they get up.

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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

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I don’t even know what the Transformers are fighting about, to be honest.

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Autocorrect is like a tiny person inside your phone that sometimes gets drunk and says the dumbest things.

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What if instead of Big Mac it was Big Matt and he came out and said hello to you?