Relationship status: nobody is cheating on me so that’s pretty neat.

Relationship status: nobody is cheating on me so that’s pretty neat.

Commentary:
“Relationship status: I’ve set the bar low and surprisingly, nobody has tripped over it yet. 🤷‍♂️🎉 #WinningAtLove”

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Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • Unfollowers, take me with you!

    Commentary:
    “Unfollowers, don’t leave me hanging! I promise I won’t take it personally… 🚶‍♂️😅 #LonelyUnfollower #CleaningUpMyFeed”

  • Thinking the bodega owner likes you is exactly the same as thinking the stripper likes you.

    Commentary:
    “Believing the bodega owner likes you is as misguided as thinking the stripper is interested in your personality. 🤣💵 Let’s be real, they both just want your money, darling! 💸 #RealityCheck”

  • It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy.

    Commentary:
    “Make way for the shy criminal mastermind! 🏃‍♂️🚓 Just avoiding small talk, officer. 😅 #ShyGuyGotMoves”

  • I got one brain cell left and it moves around my head like a Windows screensaver.

    Commentary:
    “Sounds like your brain is holding on for dear life! 🧠💨 Don’t worry, at least it’s providing some entertainment with that screensaver action. Maybe try restarting to see if that brain cell finds its way home! 🔄😄”

  • I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

    Commentary:
    Ah, the harsh reality of marriage – it’s not all sabbaticals and relaxation! 🤣 Looks like someone didn’t get the memo that “for better or for worse” includes vacation time! 💔 #MarriageStruggles #SabbaticalDenied

  • I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair.

    Commentary:
    Ah, the untamed might of a toddler with a sippy cup in hand – a force to be reckoned with! If only we could channel that same level of confidence and determination in our adult lives, imagine the chaos we could cause (or prevent)! Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility – and probably a lot of spilled juice.