Remember when movies felt real, and foreheads could wrinkle.

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Only difference between me and someone in a psych ward is I’m outside.

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Work for a living? In this economy?

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Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won’t be able to see us.

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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black.

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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

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The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

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Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

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Seeking a date so intense even the candles are sweating.

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Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.