Sitting in an antique chair is weird, like this thing has seen so many butts.

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I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”.

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I don’t have mirrors in my house. I mean, who wants to see disappointment everyday?

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Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

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My hair would never allow me to commit a crime. I really do leave my DNA everywhere.

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My life coach told me I didn’t make the team.

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Money can’t buy happiness, until you’re on vacation and then you realize it definitely can.

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If you’re 20, please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

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Cooking with glasses on is so humiliating. Why did I just get blinded by steam?

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I mostly choose to stay silent in weird situations but my face has subtitles.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has downloaded:

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait.