Sometimes, before bedtime, I fall asleep on the couch. It’s my little sleep appetizer… my nappetizer.

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Unlocking new levels of iron deficiency.

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Any time I have ever uttered the phrase “no worries” I have been lying. There are many worries.

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Having siblings is so important because you learn the exact amount you can annoy someone before they try to physically kill you.

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Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

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If I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

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Spotify Wrapped? Next year, maybe you should try to be in the top .05% of listeners to your girlfriend.

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People never run off to join the circus anymore.