Sometimes I wonder if the plot ever gets tired of being twisted.

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Whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it.

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Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

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I know it hurts like hell, and you don’t think you can do it, but it’s just one push-up.

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I like driving by myself. I just played the same song 36 times.

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The only men you can trust is ramen.

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I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

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I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

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Some people’s high horses are actually donkeys.

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I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

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Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad.”