Standing on a scale and thinking: so much wisdom and inner beauty can’t be light.

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Need someone to feed me Doritos while I read, so I don’t mess up the pages. No weirdos.

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Crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance.

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I don’t just hold a grudge; I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach.

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I finally became a butterfly, and everyone’s already asking what’s next.

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When they make a Hate Island, somebody link me.

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Giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang.

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When I like a woman, I start to gather gifts for her like a squirrel hoarding nuts.

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If I’m too much, go find less. I’m not running a clearance sale.

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Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

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Having a low-quality camera will definitely force you to keep your life private.