Super excited about a brand new week of self-sabotage.

100 shares on Telegram this month:

Stop being so boyfriendable if you can’t be my boyfriend.

68 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Oh great, you brought your ancient ancestors with you.

54 shares on Pinterest this month:

All my passwords are protected, by my poor memory.

71 shares on Snapchat this month:

I always have a bad connection in my head when someone tries to explain a card or board game to me.

25 shares on Messenger this month:

People who cook breakfast before going to work are too mature for me.

97 shares on Discord this month:

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

45 shares on Snapchat this month:

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

55 shares on Telegram this month:

I don’t think we’ll ever see aliens. I bet that they’re just gathering information and waiting for us to destroy ourselves.

94 shares on TikTok this month:

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server?

27 shares on Slack this month:

I used to be cool, but now I just can’t wait to get on the couch by 7 p.m., in my pajamas, with a quilted blanket.