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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇭 has downloaded:

Love crawling into bed like it’s a spa retreat, only to wake up like I survived a bar fight.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has copied:

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has bookmarked:

I was born a boy, but according to the packaging, I identify as a family of four.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has shared:

I am officially at the age where old people think I am young and young people think I am old.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has copied:

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has copied:

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has shared:

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has shared:

If someone asks you: ‘Why are you single, don’t you like people?’, answer: ‘Why aren’t you a millionaire, don’t you like money?’

Someone from 🇵🇰 has downloaded:

Why be pretty when you can be pretty weird?

Someone from 🇨🇫 has copied:

I just want someone who can see through all my bullshit and hate me for who I really am.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

Users Online

3,313

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Discord:

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Making waves on Discord:

Exercise gives you energy, but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

Shared recently on Pinterest:

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. It’ll be much like today, but different enough to confuse me.

Breaking via Facebook:

Everyone gives pleasure in some way, one when they enter a room, the other when they leave it.

Just landed via WeChat:

Every word wishes it could sound as fun as falafel.

Shared recently on WeChat:

Judging by the hair on my couch, I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Breaking via Pinterest:

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

Sometimes, I feel like my brain is still running on Windows 95.

Trending via Snapchat:

Made a lot of mistakes in my life, but adding more cheese than a recipe calls for isn’t one of them.

The best way to use Twitter will forever be as an observer.

2 months ago

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Just here for the popcorn and drama 🍿👀 #TwitterLurker

behavior, best, forever, humor, media, observer, online, online behavior, social, social media, Twitter

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56 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

47 shares on Slack this month:

My wife is refusing to bring me a beer. That’s it, gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are”.

68 shares on Discord this month:

The 5 seconds in the morning, when I don’t yet know who I am, is the best time of the day.

39 shares on X this month:

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from social media posts.

59 shares on YouTube this month:

Typing in your email address on the TV is a different type of irritation.

55 shares on Facebook this month:

The downside to getting in a hammock is having to get out of the hammock.

64 shares on Threads this month:

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

51 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

71 shares on WeChat this month:

Look, babe, I’m sorry. If your fake British accent keeps being this geographically inconsistent, I’m going to have to cancel the medieval roleplay sex.

14 shares on Reddit this month:

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇧 has downloaded:

It’s healthy to be a little insane sometimes.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has downloaded:

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

Someone from 🇲🇿 has downloaded:

My New Year’s resolution is to emit a powerful beam of light.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has downloaded:

If Microsoft Edge is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, you can be brave enough to ask that girl out.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has downloaded:

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has shared:

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has downloaded:

Sorry, I’m late. I got caught up at home being happy.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has shared:

The Internet is fun because you can post about banana bread and somehow end up in a fight.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has bookmarked:

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist, and inside… my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has copied:

Line dancing was created by women waiting to use the restroom.

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on X:

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, and I managed to come home without any junk food. Now, I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

Breaking via Messenger:

I think it is mandatory, especially in the morning, to be quiet.

Just landed via TikTok:

Missionary, so we can discuss how 15 min can save us 15% or more on car insurance.

Going viral on Twitch:

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Just shared via YouTube:

Whenever you are feeling down, remember you’re the sperm that won.

Shared recently on Facebook:

I tried selling my soul to the devil, and he said no.

Broadcasted on Facebook:

Coworker: Hey, circling back on that thing we talked about in December. Me: Stop living in the past!

Shared recently on Telegram:

I have read the room and decided to be illiterate.

Spreading quickly via TikTok:

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are, I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

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The best way to use Twitter will forever be as an observer.

College is literally just you, your laptop, and your water bottle against the world.

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

There should be a website where you post your wishes, and rich people who don’t know what to do with their money give you an anonymous gift.

For financial reasons, I will be passing away.

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The best way to use Twitter will forever be as an observer.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Oh really? We’ll see what the same six people who always agree with me think about that.

College is literally just you, your laptop, and your water bottle against the world.

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

There should be a website where you post your wishes, and rich people who don’t know what to do with their money give you an anonymous gift.

For financial reasons, I will be passing away.

Everybody in the grocery store is my enemy, and I will not be elaborating.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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