The hottest thing a man can do is exactly what he said he was going to.

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Your honor, my client doesn’t like jail.

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When my sister drives, I am NOT passenger princess, I am a survivor.

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My body is a “wonder what happened” land.

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Raisins also have wrinkles and are still sweet.

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Seems like paleontologists always have a bone to pick.

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I miss when bills were none of my business.

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It’s only 9am and I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

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Everything will kill you so pick something fun.

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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it. Everything about it is shit.

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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private.