The older I get, the more I understand why people live in the woods and talk to squirrels.

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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

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Doggy style is out cat style is in. It’s where I let you touch me until I’m satisfied then ignore you and scratch you if you try and touch me again.

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“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Yeah, because I won’t be leaving my bed.

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Friends with benefits, but it’s just that they make delicious baked goods.

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“There are lots of benefits to working here. We have fun social events and activities after work!” And what are the benefits?

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If love is the answer then what was the question?

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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

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I only have one wish in life… For all my dreams to come true.

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Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

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Laundry day is my favorite day of the week. That’s why I dress for it every day.