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I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

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My social circle is so small that when the phone rings, I know it’s scammers.

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The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

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I’m so tired. Let’s see all of the horrible things happening in the world today before I try to sleep peacefully.

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You looked so beautiful and combative as we were detained for questioning.

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Coworker: Where are you going after work? Me: Away from you.

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The two most popular things to do on the internet are arguing about politics and looking at naked people. Million dollar website idea: combine both β€” naked people arguing about politics.

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Cocktails can be tricky, because they taste like juice, but then the next thing you know… you can’t walk.

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When someone dies people say β€œhe’s going to meet his Maker”. No he’s not. God doesn’t mingle with the staff.

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I’m done wasting money this summer, unless you guys want to do something this weekend.

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The real me comes out at midnight (it’s just me spending money online).

The real me comes out at midnight (it’s just me spending money online).

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When the clock strikes midnight, my inner Cinderella trades the glass slipper for a credit card πŸ’³πŸ•›πŸ’Έ



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