The trick of life is to get the sports car before you have to grunt getting in and out of it.

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As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

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Some days you’re the bat, some days you’re the ball.

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Current state of politics: The circus is on fire but the monkey is fine.

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I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

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They say the best things take time. That’s why I’m always late.

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Pinky promises are still a legit foundation of trust.

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I’m dying for some sweets and the only thing sweet in the house is me.

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I don’t drink alcohol. I like suffering raw.

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Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

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I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.