The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid.

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I’ve jogged with my jogging pants about as often as I’ve rolled through the kitchen with kitchen roll.

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Training a cat is very easy. After a few days, you do what she wants.

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Turns out strange women lying in ponds distributing swords was a better basis for a system of government actually.

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My wife bought new towels and they’re different colors, so I know the entire color scheme of my house is about to change.

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Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

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Be nice today, the world is on fire.

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The human brain is amazing. It functions 24/7 from the day we’re born and only stops when you’re taking a test or speaking to someone attractive.

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Just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos.

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The problem is that you are in the dating pool when the other fish are in the ocean.

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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.