There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

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Life is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible on the web arguing with strangers.

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Our pronunciation of the word “colonel” does feel like group psychosis.

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I enjoy excess, but only in moderation.

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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes!

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Welcome to your 40’s: you get excited about avocados now.

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I have been alive all my life, and have not once seen a Chinese food commercial.

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Out of sheer boredom, I opened the front door and rang the doorbell. I was so happy.

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If I had 50¢ for every math test I’ve failed, I’d have $7.20.

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Don’t worry, I’m only dead inside from the waist up.

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People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin.