Someone from 🇵🇬 has bookmarked:

Roses are red. Pizza sauce is too. I ordered a large. And none of it’s for you.

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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

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The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

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Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

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Can someone please help me, I’m still at the Fyre Festival.

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I think if you ask Kanye for a million at the right time, he’ll give it to you.

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The closest I get to a spa day is when I’m draining pasta, and the steam smacks me in the face.

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I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day.

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I thought you are the sunshine of my life, but you are just a meteor trying to destroy my world.

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As a sales clerk, you want to shout after some people as they leave the store: “Are you sure you’ve really REALLY touched everything?”