There’s a reason you ain’t ever used your phone in a dream.

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Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

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To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work.

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I love being a pretty woman because it widens the threshold for cringe-worthy things I can say.

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I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together. What could you possibly be plotting? You can’t even get out of the open window.

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Ah yes, my abandonment issues due to all the abandonment.

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Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

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What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

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It’s a paradox that your nose is running and your feet smell.

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Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P.

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Everybody looks sexier when they are happy.