Told my boss I was going to the bathroom but didn’t say which one. Now I’m at home.

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I miss my bed. Why does it have to be so far from where I work?

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Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

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When I get filthy rich, I will stay humble by continuing to use grocery bags as bathroom trash bags.

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Remember when the FBI would threaten you at the beginning of every VHS tape? That was pretty cool.

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I think I’ll spend my savings on a lifetime supply of pasta. Worth every penne.

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If I like cleaning? Does Sisyphus like his boulder?

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The first time you forgive out of love. The second time out of hope and the third time out of stupidity.

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The word ‘stan’ comes from the Eminem song “Stan” which is about one of his obsessed fans. What if Eminem named the fan ‘Dennis’? We could be saying, “I dennis Beyonce.”

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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

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If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, you need professional help.