We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer, so we can cheer for the poison apple.

19 shares on Reddit this month:

Sorry, but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. Walking faster than me? Also my enemy. Now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm, yeah, I’m thinking enemy.

35 shares on LinkedIn this month:

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

83 shares on Instagram this month:

The bowling ball actually hangs out with the pins after work. There isn’t beef there.

73 shares on Facebook this month:

The hard part about dating is finding someone who’s mentally ill enough to understand you, but not mentally ill enough to ruin your life.

98 shares on Discord this month:

I’m not stubborn, my way is just better than yours.

41 shares on TikTok this month:

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

36 shares on Instagram this month:

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake. Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable.

33 shares on Messenger this month:

Remember when we were young and said “I’ll sleep when i’m older”? Well, now we can’t when we want to.

86 shares on Messenger this month:

Sometimes I delete a post because I remember I’m too old for it.

69 shares on TikTok this month:

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.