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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

“Those tattoos will make it harder to get a job!” Okay, well so will my personality.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you and good night.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

Sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “Hey, only I get to talk to myself that way”.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words. “Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

Eating nothing but beer for a month and calling that Oktoberfast.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024