Why count sheep when I can count my troubles?

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Break-up so bad, he blocked me on Pokémon Go.

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I’m letting go of all earthly attachment — exactly like Buddha, except for the things I like and want.

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Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P.

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It’s crazy that you don’t really argue with a baby for the first year of its life and then you have to argue with the baby every day.

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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

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Expecting your first baby’s exciting, but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

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Remember those days when you missed school and you’d check the time and think, “They’re eating right now.”

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Everyone’s a gangster until they see a rainbow.

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By the time I meet the right person, I’ll probably be the wrong person.