Wish I could step out of my body and take my own damn pictures.

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My fridge has brought more light into my life than most people.

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So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses.

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I need a break from me.

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A sandwich has the power to change your entire life.

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I wish I was a moose. No work, no school, just eating grass and wrecking cars.

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When you have finished reading this funny quote, you will be a little closer to death than before.

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Being an adult is a little out of my price range right now.

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Remember: if nobody hates you, you’re not trying hard enough.

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If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics. Someone will come to argue with you.

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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news.