Would have started saving money in kindergarten if I knew my life was like this.

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You can fake an American accent all you want, but “literally” will expose you.

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The clitoris has 8,000 nerves, if you gonna get on my nerves, get on one of those.

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I would rather walk barefoot across a carpet made out of Legos than go to my high school reunion.

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Me rereading his texts after we’ve already said goodnight just so I can giggle and blush all over again.

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Sometimes being a woman is just trying to figure out if you’re hormonally sad, seasonally sad, or genuinely falling apart.

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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip.

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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn.