You can’t truly refer to yourself as an adult until you catch yourself getting really angry when the grocery store changes their layout.

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Toddlers: I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now.

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If she says “you are my world” remember there are other planets. Stay alert, kings!

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Y’all smell that? A beautiful day that the Lord has made.

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Late replies don’t bother me. As long as we’re not in love, or you don’t owe me money, take your time.

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Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

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Cafeteria is a beautiful name for a baby girl.

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On my way to HR again for nicknaming my coworker “Mastercard” because they take credit for other people’s work.