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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇽 has downloaded:

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has bookmarked:

Geometry is a scam. What do you mean “prove it’s a triangle”? Just look at it.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has shared:

Do not EVER text while driving. Please use the giant iPad attached to your dashboard.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has bookmarked:

My summer body has been pending for about ten years.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has shared:

Dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth, which is patronizing as hell, I bet they had places to go and important shit to do.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has shared:

“Slipping in the shower and trying to hold on to the water jet…” Shall I tell you more about myself?

Someone from 🇩🇪 has bookmarked:

Whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape. Incompetent legend. I wish we could hang out.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has shared:

Edging my house plants by putting them next to the window when it rains.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has bookmarked:

This Thanksgiving, don’t ask me questions about my life, just pass the mashed potatoes.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

234 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,503

Funny Quotes Topics

17,569

Funny Quotes Images

15,503

Jan 6, 2026

3,372

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on X:

If you think someone has put a spell on you, send me $500 and I’ll get rid of it.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

Confucius says: “Those who drink a lot die earlier, but have seen twice as much in life.”

Trending via TikTok:

Once you are able to find humor in any situation, you’ve either reached enlightenment or you’re just a little unhinged.

Going viral on Snapchat:

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

Spotted on YouTube:

The answer is a cabin in the woods, by the way.

Freshly posted on X:

I like my Jims slim and my chances fat.

Just shared via Telegram:

Women pretending not to see men staring at them is an essential survival skill.

Spotted on Slack:

Anyone else brush their teeth in the shower so they can get a little sloppy with it, or is that just me?

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Neurodivergents will be like, ‘I’m so tired,’ and then refuse to sleep because they haven’t had enough me time after surviving the day.

Spotted on Pinterest:

If you think my posts are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy.

You ever met someone so dumb you gotta take a deep breath before responding to them?

2 months ago

0

You ever met someone so dumb you gotta take a deep breath before responding to them?

Download image ↓

Commentary:
Oh, absolutely! 🤦‍♂️ It's like preparing yourself for a mental gymnastics routine every time they speak! 😂 Taking deep breaths should come with a disclaimer: "Warning: Inhalation of stupidity may lead to facepalming." 🤣

before, breath, deep, deep breath, dumb, ever, humor, met, responding, someone, take

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

At least 80% of my day is spent holding back my inappropriate thoughts.

0

2 months ago

back, day, filter, holding, humor, inappropriate, inappropriate thought, least, mental, mental filter, self-control, spent, struggle, thought, thoughts
I’d be less aggressive in the morning if I could drive to work in a tank.

0

2 months ago

aggressive, drive, humor, i, ID, less, morning, relief, stress, stress relief, tank, transportation, work
Requesting the Pink Panther theme song at karaoke and just standing on the stage motionless the entire time.

0

2 months ago

awkwardness, funny moment, humor, just, karaoke, moment, motionless, panther, performance, pink, Pink Panther, song, stage, standing, theme, theme song, time
Thanks for leaving my door open; I was running low on houseflies.

0

2 months ago

door, housefly, humor, i, joke, leaving, low, open, pest, running, thanks
Three out of five times, my intuition is right. Not in casinos, though.

0

2 months ago

casino, decision making, five, gambling, humor, intuition, luck, odds, right, statistics, three, times
Never underestimate my ability to effortlessly make something more difficult than it needs to be.

0

4 weeks ago

ability, complication, difficult, difficulty, effort, humor, needs, never, procrastination, self-deprecating, something, underestimate

New Funny Quotes

🎲 Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Social Media Stars ⭐

92 shares on YouTube this month:

My spirit animal is that one bird that knocks itself unconscious, flying into windows.

56 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Eventually, kids get old enough to see which parent was the problem.

62 shares on Slack this month:

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

87 shares on Pinterest this month:

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

75 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Sorry, I can’t come. I’m still recovering from the last time I went out.

21 shares on Slack this month:

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

25 shares on Telegram this month:

For your own sanity, always take mixed signals as a no.

12 shares on Facebook this month:

Bugs have so many legs to make up for their lack of personality.

83 shares on Discord this month:

Sorry about all of the correct stuff I said when I was right.

36 shares on Discord this month:

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my kids were drawing of me.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

23 folks are currently checking 👀

Deleting dating apps to meet someone the old-fashioned way (in the HR department).

14 folks are currently checking 👀

My dog is quite vain. Whenever the doorbell rings, he thinks it’s for him.

12 folks are currently checking 👀

Start each day with a positive thought, like: “I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours.”

25 folks are currently checking 👀

I like to describe the difference between theory and practice with shopping lists and receipts.

19 folks are currently checking 👀

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head: 1. Wait until they’ve hit their head. 2. Say “Ooh, mind your head!”

17 folks are currently checking 👀

Shoutout to video games, man. I love having a reason to live.

14 folks are currently checking 👀

No, I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living.

10 folks are currently checking 👀

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

Check yourself before you Shrek yourself.

10 folks are currently checking 👀

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

234 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,503

Funny Quotes Topics

17,569

Funny Quotes Images

15,503

Updated

Jan 6, 2026

Users Online

3,511

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇱🇧 has shared:

The elder Zoomer speaks of the Wii with reverence.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has copied:

“Fox Mulder” is an aggressively sexy name.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has viewed:

I stop myself at least twice a day from posting a status that would make everyone grab popcorn.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has bookmarked:

Maybe the four horsemen of the apocalypse are Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has copied:

Becoming a psychic for the foreseeable future.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has shared:

Sometimes I watch people do their jobs, and I’m like, damn, you might benefit from a little imposter syndrome, actually.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has copied:

My body’s check engine light has been on for years.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has viewed:

That Coldplay CEO guy was held more accountable than the president.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has bookmarked:

Are you mad at me? Have you been mad at me? Will you be mad at me? When will you be mad at me?

Someone from 🇩🇲 has copied:

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler.

Seen just now on X:

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much.

Just shared via Telegram:

I am convinced that some of you are failed experiments that gained sentience and escaped from a lab.

Just landed via Instagram:

Toxic girlfriend who goes through her boyfriend’s calculator app and asks why he’s doing the equations he’s doing.

Going viral on Reddit:

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid. I asked. Twice.

Seen just now on Facebook:

So, if you are too tired to speak, sit next to me, because I am fluent in silence.

Trending via X:

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Live now on X:

I just think we should kiss. And kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss. But that’s just me.

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