You know you’re mature when you go to the dentist and you are no longer afraid of pain, but of how much it costs.

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I can relate to God because it also takes me a full week to finish something that still kind of sucks.

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Mambo No. 5, but it’s in a minor key, and I’m naming women who didn’t text me back.

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Sometimes I wish I had a speed bump between my brain and my mouth.

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The first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack.

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I have 206 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells in my body. It takes time to wake up all of them up in the morning.

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Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo.

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Sorry I missed your call. I saw that you were calling and immediately threw my phone into an active volcano.

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Good morning to everyone except the baristas who don’t tighten the lid.

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Whoever said “Out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.

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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.