You want me to do Pilates? The thing that killed Jesus?

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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time, so it’s more of a surprise.

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Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together.

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The 5 seconds in the morning, when I don’t yet know who I am, is the best time of the day.

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My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

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Every year I realize how dumb I was a year ago.

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I know some people don’t like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.

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Me, as a therapist: “OMG, me too!”

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The ways printers are like kids: Need feeding, are noisy and can’t function when offline.

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I am a person who wants to get a lot done, trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep in and take naps at times.