I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help.

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Thank God my pets can’t talk. They simply know too much.

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Getting the house to yourself for a night is basically winning the lottery.

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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early, if you ask me.

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The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

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Listen up. If he hooks his sunglasses in the front collar of his shirt, he’s got something important to say.

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A large group of people is called an “eww, no thank you”

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Being in college when The Chainsmokers dropped Closer was an experience to say the least.

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It’s romantic to fall in love during the collapse of society.

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Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

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Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. 30 minutes was not the right answer.